A visceral disappointment perhaps, but you couldn’t read between the lines.

bastian_england @ 2006-12-23T18:39:00

2006-12-23T08:39:09Z

I have not forgotten this world.

Life has become fun again.

I have recently concluded the final installment of an un-named record of my last year.

The reflection.

I has been a somewhat dark year. I saw my worst.

But from nothing comes everything. Technically reborn in a new world. New friends. Old friends. And the people that stood there all along. These things are so important to me. I know what love is. I know what love isn’t.

I do not wish to forget anything about this year. Nor do I have any regrets about my conduct.

Everything happens for a reason.

I have grown so much. Life now fascinates me rather than the opposite. Acceptance.

Everything is in its right place at last.

Dan.

bastian_england @ 2006-09-17T09:47:00

2006-09-16T23:48:27Z

I worry.

I worry that if things get much better for me, my head might just explode into tiny bits.

get your sexy on.

2006-09-04T15:27:08Z

Alas, so i think it goes, 'i love myself, better than you, i know it's wrong, but what should I do?'

bands everywhere! ahhhhhh

super super fantastic. i got my fire back.

oh, anyone planning to sleep after a night out, dont drink a thousand red bull and vodkas.
+++++++

'I do not wish to labour the obvious'. (Thomas More)

w+A+s

2006-08-30T14:35:48Z

So we pretended to be Scientists and danced the night away.
Throw in some beer, smokes and vallium and you got yourself a cracking night.
+++

I have so much to catch up in my writing, but that is for a later time.

Hidden in cotton candy and white sheets

2006-08-06T06:37:33Z

Her cotton candy friend smiled and said hello. Let me back step, so I had the obligatory bump into your ex thing on Friday. At northies of all fucking places. +++The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear. The more I try to erase you, the more you appear. +++ She looked different and we were totally mature about the whole thing. Yeah, bullshit we were. I didn’t even notice her and some one else told me she was there. I was like, ‘why the fuck did you tell me that?’ She said sorry, and then, ‘don’t worry about it you look fucking hot tonight’ (cue laughter). The ex didn’t look happy at all. She forgets that I know her too well. I can see when people fake happiness. I am not sure what it all means, but she walked clear past me while I was on the phone to the girl that saves me time after time. As I said, the cotton candy girl smiled and mouthed out a hello. I think I winked or something ridiculous.

Best dinner ever last night. I got to have 3 girlfriends for the night. It is times like that I realize how fucking lucky I really am. Greek food rocks my socks. I noticed that a restaurant that used to be our favorite has closed. Just one more thing that is buried in the sand. So I had some scary shit running through my mind this morning when I read through my send messages. Drunk girls playing with your new phone has consequences people. But I sent out a few explanatory messages this morning and laughed about it. Arthouse tonight. Dress warm. Bring sleeping equipment. This morning was another postcode, another bed. I went home quickly.

I feel as though I have been on holiday. I have spent the last 2 nights away from my house and bed. One night I crashed on a couch in Cronulla. Saturday night we slept on the floor in a Balmain apartment. So punk rock of us, we loved it. Last night topped Friday night on the scale of outrageous fun. Got down and dirty dancing doing the ‘jig’ and the girl behind that bar gave me a triple scotch and coke. Not bad seeing I didn’t ask for it. Sleazy Kings Cross kebabs and singing along with men playing guitars in the street, and trying to get a cab, not getting one, feeling too cold, and opting to go in another bar instead for more drinks. Pulling away from some drunk girl trying to pash you. Honestly I don’t remember a time where we danced so much. Sweat. Alcohol. Lights. A dodgy smoke machine and DJ’s that have sore ears. (the comfort the soreness by putting the shoulder to the ear. A classic DJ pose.)

One more night and again I had to consider that I could well be the luckiest man in the universe. Music coming along swimmingly. We are going to make the people dance and secretly watch. You write anonymous club tunes and the dance. I’ll take the higher ground cause you don’t have legs to stand on. You move, you shake. You pioneer thrash dancing and you are lost in yourself as you shield bot bot from a creepy old dude trying to get all up in her face. Producing on a laptop. Souvenir of the past and you scream. You scream out and the air leaves your lungs. We were talking about death and the possibility that you will not witness your own death. Like it is possible to just die in your sleep for no reason. There is no event that crystallizes you final moment. No big story. What if you just disappeared and you died and that was that. Do we want a peaceful death or do we want to know that we are dieing?

The new knife song comes on. You basically drop everything and run to the centre of the dance space. Sharing bands, sharing ideas and sharing conceptual diagrams written on used serviette. I cant remember the last time I felt so free. I have gone through some massive life changes this year. But it is my life and it is up to me and me alone to instigate and deal with consequences of actions of the other.

Looks like I will be in Thailand for new years eve. Last year I made a promise to myself that I would never stand idle for a new years eve again. And Sydney people will all go easy on NY’s cause of plans made for new years day. I consider that bringing in a fresh new year in a whole other country is something I have missed. Expect photography. Expect debauchery.

bastian_england @ 2006-08-04T19:54:00

2006-08-04T09:53:57Z

+>>>
So I just dug around in my room a little cause being house bound is very boring. I came across a piece of paper that I hadn’t seen in years. The handwriting is foreign to me. But I know what it is. Written in a gold ‘posca’ pen, I’m looking at the first number a girl ever gave me. Way back in 95 it was. Innocent and un-burnt by the opposite of love at that stage, I can still remember being the envy of my school friends. Such simple times of Nintendo and school bands and my first tastes for nirvana and music. It was about this time when I stayed up late with my dad and watched nirvana unplugged in New York, and my dad told me the story of Kurt Cobain and how this had been one of the last shows he did. The following weekend He bought me the CD, and me and a mate of mine (who is now a drummer and photographer) came home every afternoon and listened to it at least once.

Previous to this, I am guessing the Christmas before, my parents had finally (after many Christmases of me asking) got me a guitar. I still have it. A nylon string acoustic. It is a 3/4 sized guitar, the biggest size I could get cause I was so little still. I remember having trouble reaching up to the low e on that thing. These days, it is missing a few strings, and shows a few battle scars, and right now I am thinking about restringing it just for kicks.

Myspace shits me so much. But that’s a whole other story. Sometimes it is necessary to take a long hot shower. It just is ok.

I went for a walk on the beach this afternoon. I wanted to rip out every pair of white ear phones that walked was me. These people do not realize the real music around them. The real sounds of the ocean and sand and birds. Ambient music. How can you deny yourself that? You can listen to man made music anywhere, but at the beach, I hardly think it is appropriate. But anyway I was thinking about the big wide open questions as I walked. Life death religion and the universe. I came to no answers. I didn’t expect to. I did feel empathetic. But in the next breath came apathy. So I sat there and further battled my mind against subjectivity and objectivity. It always makes me smile to catch out a girl checking me out. I think most guys, when they are checking a girl out, if they get caught, they don’t think it is such a big deal, but girls seem to react in a shy, ‘oh my god he saw me’ manner.

I should have it noted that sometimes I am not writing as myself. Sometimes I am a character. What if I am the character though? What if this is all semiautobiographical and sometimes I am only narrating.

I’m an independent mother fucker! *So I tell her don’t fall in love with me. One thing, just don’t fall in love with me. Don’t fall for me. Ever. Don’t even trip over accidentally. And what does she go and do? 2006 is my year mother fucker. Mine.

I am going for something that I really want in September. September. If it opens up I will surely make my way in. Procedure you see. All circumstantial, and I’ll be wondering. About September. Shake it up a little shall we.

I saw this girl today on a busy train station. I had to grab her out of her gaze. She did the art part of my degree. We were textiles buddies. She is working for a finance company too. Which is a little scary cause I then proceeded to tell her what I was doing. Her hair is still just a little bit too blonde and seems to ‘glow’ just a bit in the sunlight. She was dressed professionally, but it was defiantly that same girl from uni. We are going to ‘do drinks’ Friday with other uni-folk.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but the pain in my stomach is still there. I spend a little too much time doubled over in pain. i think i know why though. again, another story.

++++++++++++++

delightful. (chocolate and smokes)

2006-07-29T08:16:17Z

+++
Jesus it is the 29th of July already. The police were searching for me. I gave myself up and went for an interview. They were happy that I went in to the station on my own accord, but things could get a little tricky for me for a while. I was pretty much waiting for them to tell me not to leave town like in a movie, but they never did. I told them I was in the car on my own. That’s a lie, but my only witness who was with me at the time has somewhat evaporated from my world. So I do this on my own.

I am being an art kid again at long last. I am painting pictures, another thing I haven’t really shown interest in for a long long time. Today I am making a shirt. The more and more I write shitty songs, and the more and more I rewrite them, the closer I get to being able to actually show her what I have done. Some what of a paradox that the thing that gives me most pleasure is the thing I am most scared to share with others. But I am working on it religiously. I guess it is really the first time I have gone back and reexamined structure and content and made what I call ‘improvements’ to stuff. Right now I am watching the new pink floyd dvd, and it is probably a little too loud, but that’s the way it will stay.

Making art for girls is fun. Especially when they have just moved out and their kitchen has matching pastel coloured appliances. Blue and pink. It is so fifties sexy. I ended up sleeping on the couch again last night. I told myself it was because I wasn’t well, but really I know I have problems sleeping in that room and in that bed. My big sister suggested that I move my bed into another position, but my tangram bedroom will just not fit into any other shapes. Either that or my math is way off. But I am working on a restructure plan. Actually it could even be called an, ‘evacuation’ plan. At least I managed to stay home. It wasn’t easy actually. No matter how unwell I felt, I still kept getting texts from various clusters of friends enquiring over my whereabouts, and this a was great temptation. But alas, one night down, one to go.

The tips of my fingers are black and, stained by my fret board. Me and my Maton are getting real close. Sometimes it makes me bleed, but I don’t mind at all. My gosh at Paul Dempsey’s solo gig, there was this cute band called Angus and Julia Stone. They are brother and sister, and Julia is gorgeous. I think they will be hot stuff in a few months. Lets see shall we? God dam my mac is running slow and I feel our time together is limited. Might get me a shiny black one instead.

+++ +++++ ++++++ ++++++++ ++ + + + ++ + ++ + ++ +++ +

Took your pictures off the wall,
Took your make up out the draw,
Picked your clothes up off the floor,
I couldn’t love you any more.

Took your tooth brush out the sink,
Then I got myself a drink,
Oh my how it makes me think,
How you were never there.

Playing a part in a big screen movie with no happy ending. But I took some more photos.

+LOVE MY GRAIN+

bastian_england @ 2006-07-28T18:32:00

2006-07-28T08:36:34Z

Grainy film is so hot right now.

So after weeks of putting it off, I got sick. It seems like everyone I know has been sick, and I was starting to think that I had escaped it by some good fortune. But no. The old lady advertising sexpo makes me not want to go. I have been struggling with words lately. But I have found a big sister. I have spent far too much money on guitar effects so I can play tom york in my room and record fucked up songs that I wont play to anyone. Well just one other. Looks very much like we will be playing ‘disco slut music’ to the masses soon. Pipeline. I didn’t eat today. Call it not feeling well. I should not have gone to work, but I always punish myself like that. But now it is 2 am and my body just wont allow me to sleep longer than an hour, so it could be a three day weekend for me.
I should write at length about last weekend, but I will not. Some things are better forgotten I think. Simply however, Friday night I went ‘missing’ for around four hours. I know I have to stop doing shit like that, but this time was somewhat different. Let me say that waking up in a suit in the toilets at yu at 430 in the morning is not something I would recommend. I fucking hate yu, which is why I cant understand how I got there. Boys don’t get their drinks spiked? But there is a good four hours of my life that I do not know what happened. 10 points to a girl that I recently ‘re-met’. She took me home and basically the night turned out to be a good one.

Saturday night I went out again, yes again. More free alcohol. A much better night all round though. Met many new friends. Danced like a spastic and found that girls respond with interest. I am being pulled in different directions by different people but in the end we warmed each other in her bed. Cronulla could be cool again, but I doubt it. I feel guilty for disappearing cause I know my friends were worried, but I really had not control. I must mention that I was surprised by one girl’s reaction to my situation. But not effected. Which was comforting in itself. So I felt the highs and lows of nightlife in two days. This week my body has slowly shut down and now I am not feeling so good and I can only wonder if it is time to not go out for just one weekend. Have to not have ‘a few quiet drinks’ with tiff and jus cause week after week we end up rocking out the cross. Fuck I am glad I blew off the presets and saw yeah yeah yeahs do their thing which was life changing. The presets are such a shire band now. Unfortunate, yes.

Things I enjoy or make me happy:
Spooning.
Laughing and making her smile.
Sent message history.
Headphones and guitar.
Ipods/books/pens/paper.
Trains.
Karen O.
Knowing what a ‘bus skank’ is.
My job.
Packages that come in the post.
When she buys me a book and hides it in my garden where it sits for days and only tells me it is there when I feel like shit.
Handwritten notes.
Post it notes.
Being happy with the fact that people come and go in your life. The good ones come back in eventually.
The view from the top when you have seen the bottom.
Cooking.
Body language.
Internetizing words.
These city streets with the sun on my face and air in my lungs.

I took my first sick day today. I am basically powerless. I sung my little heart out and then got dizzy and had to snap. Trying my best not to go out. A glass just smashed somewhere in my house. Next week I have a dinner date where I am getting made dinner and all I am allowed to do is open the wine. Very old school but I like it. Gosh units are fun. Slowly creeping back into the realm of artistic behaviors. Did I ever leave?

“Did I fall or was I pushed? And where’s the blood?”

Thoughts as I unpin a crisp new work shirt and glance at a Versace tie.

2006-07-19T11:03:08Z

He felt left out in the cold, dropped down in the dirt and on and over twisted with senseless diversion, someone isn’t there that should have been. Replaced like a battery. * And that girl watches you closely from the other end of the carriage. She plays with her hair and he cant help but think that perhaps she just has lice.

This push and shove of body language as she bites her bottom lip and shifts her feet so her airborne crossed leg’s foot points like an arrow. An arrow for him. Now what else does do in a situation like this? There are no others around. It is late and they are not in the gaurds compartment.

Now he is floating, or something else. And all those words, all those games, don’t add up to anything but a bus skank. But in the heat of battle all say that it is alright oh all so alright.

Elevators seriously monopolize his time as he waits to be taken both higher and lower. Boy is a flesh yo yo and every thing isn’t quite as it seems, but then it never was. He is not confused, just surprised and shocked at the way someone who he thought he knew was never there at all. What a fucking actor. And all the words that don’t mean anything, she holds her pattern in the sky, and he sails on a boat that is filling with water.

And he has nothing evolved from something and he complains, that he isn’t quite the same. But he will listen to what is said, and he will learn while she is dead. And all he needs to think about is the near future and a weekend in Melbourne with cheap Hilton rates she gets and cheap flights we get and pleasant company for trashy nights.

By Dan. (and his ghosts)

Can't wait till thursday night. WOO one last song before overseas?

bastian_england @ 2006-07-04T18:52:00

2006-07-04T08:46:33Z

Now if I drop my ipod on the floor, and then pray that it is ok, does that make me religious?
Or just another consumerist asshole?
Or both?

the words in my mouth and in my stomache

2006-06-29T16:19:33Z

So after much deliberation, and hunting, I finally found two songs that are revolving around in my small headspace. I found the real lyrics after some time. Not knowing song titles can be a bitch. But alas, my search is over. One more step towards nothing. Good lord I have to get up in a few hours. I made a pretty song though that no one will ever hear. Lovely...

If you walk away I'll walk away
Just tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way

And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, now walk this way

And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving she wakes up and says
I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby, don't go away, come here

And there's kids playing guns in the street
One's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up, said Enough is Enough
If you walk away, I'll walk away
Then he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
For my landlocked blues
It will pass away, like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the world's got me dizzy again
You'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
But it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away

And I'm drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
And it all boils down to one quotable phrase:
If you love something, give it away

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for a possible heart
And you may be offended, and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background from a televised war
And in that deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
If we walk away, they'll walk away

But greed is a bottomless pit
And all freedom's a joke, we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free, start running away
Cos we're coming for you

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying "Let me walk away, please"

You'll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language in measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Tell them walk away, walk away, walk away

So I'm up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving, but I don't know where to
No, I'm leaving, but I don't know where to
--------------------------------------------------

Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily

And I still call you, but I get your machine
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky I guess, I get your roommate answering
But you're at the bar, or at Gene's

And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand
We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet
Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss
When the waitress turns around

And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch
And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch
Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap
The plot is slow, take a nap

And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes
I'm only there so that you're not alone

And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer
Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there

I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time
So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Such a pity to relate to something years too late.
Such a pity to relate to something years too late.
But how was I meant to know i am just a fucking stupid boy.

I thank every accident that let me here but I cant for the life of me figure out where I went wrong.

2006-06-29T14:12:28Z

--

Now that was I night I will not soon forget. Crowd participation required. Tired and sweaty but I don’t give a shit cause tomorrow is the end of the financial year and that means company drinks and dinner and drinks and drinks and names on doors of clubs, and drinks and that one.

So i am still writing on the train like a mad man. Music again now too. in my head. The urge to sing on the train grows ever more.
Samples will float on here time to time.
-------
And you bent the rules, out of shape. And I fell down, on your escape.

all the peace-keeping troops are dead.

2006-06-25T02:44:02Z

Only at a Balmain house party, with me knowing all of two people, could I meet a girl with those eyes who calls Ascot home. We spent a good 4 hours talking about philosophy and Andy Warhol, Virginia Water and Reading, sex and relationships, Hollywood and the utopian ideas of romance, and Launders and she spoke like an educated philosophy student, with her Ascot accent smiling through her every word. I assumed she was older because of that exuberant confidence that seemed to echo onto me, yet she was only twenty one. Perhaps my French-designed suit had something to do with her fascination with me. Perhaps not though.

I talked to everyone in the room and they gave me a bass guitar and before I knew it, me, a guy with a sax, and a man with long un-kept hair on drums were jamming for the whole party.

As my weekends get exponentially more random, so does my rate of enjoyment. Monday mornings my new friends welcome my smile and listen attentively as I recite the weekend past. Everything really does happen for a reason, sometimes it just takes us time to realize.

Is a kiss on the lips common place as a friendly goodbye? Twice now. Well three but I don’t count the first girl. So much to learn. Time.

bastian_england @ 2006-05-24T00:54:00

2006-05-23T14:50:41Z

god i love your dad.
he looked after me.
i still love you.
but i got to fix me.

end note.

2006-05-17T15:29:34Z

May 18th.

THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

i'll enjoy this pain cause it won't last for long.

bastian_england @ 2006-05-15T08:23:00

2006-05-14T22:18:31Z

My god was my button ever set to ‘self destruct’ last night.

bastian_england @ 2006-05-13T23:52:00

2006-05-13T13:47:35Z

Things at 10:34. Pull yourself together. Get a life. Work harder. 10:52. Denial. Greed and the sum of three less one. Pointless to ask, yet. 11:03. Torn metatarsal with free pain. Head in hands. Anti-inflammatory. Reasonable doubt. Indefinite response. Sale. Sold. Make your move. 11:14. Panic with your nervous sweat. The realization that you are flesh. The ocean that is in your stomach. That curry you ate. 11:21. Silence. The shrill tone when T.V. station dies. That is all you hear as you drift from another conversation. Test the waters. Low battery but a lack of response. Hope you are having fun. Music and pictures in my head create a soundtrack. Fingers chewed. Suspense. 11:34. The temptation to call. Objectivity versus subjectivity. Writing helps. Yes to rationalization. 11:42. Confession.

bastian_england @ 2006-05-12T03:31:00

2006-05-12T03:32:47Z

So after around four months I have returned home to balloons and a, ‘welcome home’ banner. That night I was disappointed to discover that my bed did not at all feel like it was my bed. Usually when I go away, I come home looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. However something has changed since I have been gone.

It is a bit strange coming home when everyone else has lives to attend too. Anyway I guess this is home. Dig in those feet.

bastian_england @ 2006-05-04T10:20:00

2006-05-04T00:17:30Z

so this has been a whirlwind 4 country in 3 and a bit month trip. but now i seriously do not know if i am more scared of going home or leaving this place.

leaving on a jet plane.

2006-02-05T11:41:32Z

time to hit the road JACK!

follow me if you dare.

www.followdanaround.livejournal.com

bastian_england @ 2006-01-24T15:36:00

2006-01-24T04:37:22Z

So the pain in my neck reminds me that my car has been written off.
Did I really want a new car?
It is too late to get a new one now.
Won’t be here for much longer.

Flight plan.

BDO

LA
NY
LD
SIN
SYD

…

i guess i'm getting old

2006-01-10T03:15:58Z

bastian_england @ 2005-12-13T15:53:00

2005-12-13T04:51:56Z

fear. of. the. other.

yeah my girlfriend

2005-11-21T07:58:44Z

game set match

2005-11-07T05:59:28Z

its all over!

it does not feel like i thought it would.